I had my first real BGR talk with Mama today. It's inevitable to deny the fact that she actually knows what has been going on with me lately at times. She knows when I'm having a problem with Nizam, when I'm so drained out from school & when something is just terribly wrong.

Like today.

Though I was somewhat embarrassed to admit what was wrong, she forced me out of it, knowing that I was just pretending to sleep. Just when I thought I could hold on a second longer, at least till she's out of the room, I burst into tears right there & then in front of her. The image of me lying down, hugging my pillow while crying my eyes out was quite a show. But what adds the glow in that image, was Mama, sitting at the side of my bed, consoling me about it. For the first time. She did played around the bush a little but then after, she just came straight out & asked me. "Is it Nizam?" I couldn't even manage a nod, but she knew silence was consent. She just sat there till I was ready to open up. Thinking that I rarely have a heart to heart talk with her about this, I took the opportunity. So I let every single damn thing out. She did everything a mother would & said things to make me feel better. Here's a gist of what she said that I would like to share:

"Kakak, ("Big sister". That's what she calls me), you're still young & you have every opportunity to get out there & have fun. There is no point cooping yourself & restricting yourself to one person. I've been there. Yes, I married your dad but that doesn't mean I was with him 10 years before we got married. That doesn't guarentee a longer marriage. Look, girls at your age have to learn not to get emotional fast & learn how to not get overly-sensitive with your problems. If he doesn't want to go out with you today, then so be it. It doesn't mean you only have him as a company, you can go out with your other friends. (Okay, this part comes Mama's bitchy-ness) Why not you teach him a lesson, don't go out with him for a while but have fun with your other friends? Nobody is stopping you. I'm not stopping you. Don't let boys bully you emotional cause there's where it gets most girls. Let me tell you one thing: Being a girl, don't ever be afraid of losing a guy when you know you were not in the wrong, when you know you've done your best. If you have tolerated it for 2 years & is not happy, why not just tell him or just let it go? Why be afraid? *Pause* Now, go dry your tears & don't think about it anymore. It's just a small matter for this, don't worry your head about it too much. If he cares, he will call you. Also, don't ever be afraid or embarrassed to tell me your problems. Because I know each & every one of you & your sisters' characters & behaviour. I know when something is wrong. *Passes me a plastic bag* Nah, take this McChicken & eat. Will make you feel better. Don't think about it anymore, it's a small matter."

You know we have so much to talk about, so much we've planned to put them into action. I only have one thing to say.
No matter how huge our fights can be, no matter how bad I will lashed things out at you, no matter how stupid such situations are at times, no matter how oblivious you can be to my feelings, I know that, I would never trade you for another unless situation calls for it.

Kisses.